50 Shades of Grey

Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson

Year: 2015

Language: English

Length: 2 hrs 5 mins (125 minutes)

Staring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Jennifer Ehle, Rita Ora, Eloise Mumford, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Marcia Gay Harden.

Review: Well. I saw that. I will never get that time back ever again. She's whiney, he's weird and they're both dumb. At no point is this film romantic, sexy or special. At no point was I shocked, at no point was I entertained, and at no point was I believing in this couple.

That's literally all I have to say about this film.

I am an avid tumblr user so I have seen and read a LOT of porn, and this was worse than anything I've seen. I read the book and it read like bad fanfiction. You could tell in every dripping word. How did this get published? How did this get so big?

Women, if you want to watch porn watch porn. If you want to read porn read good porn. It's okay. You can do it you know. You don't have to be ashamed. Especially for having kinks.

But, this? Ladies, respect yourself.

Overall Rating: 1/5

Skyfall

Director: Sam Mendes

Year: 2012

Language: English

Length: 2 hr and 23 mins (143 minutes)

Staring:Daniel Craig, Javier Bardem, Ben Whishaw, Judi Dench, Naomie Harris, Ralph Fiennes.

Review: Everything about this film is beautiful and perfect. Every outfit, every shot, ever scene, every actor, and every song. There is only one fault in this whole entire masterpiece and that is the busy train car being empty when it crashes.

It is funny, compassionate, sexy, and best of all thrilling. It was a roller coaster of fast paced action, building tension, and dramatic heartache, flittered with tidbits of charming comedy. 

Despite a film whose script was made up and not based on the book series of its titular character, it stayed very true to the stories, for me. 

I saw it twice in the cinema and I've seen it at home at least 10 times since and I still don't find it boring, if anything, i just pick up on more and more things to love about the film.

Q's absolute cuteness is my everything.

And the flirty gay scene was hella hot and I am all about that.

Bring on Spectre for 2015

Overall Rating: 5/5

Jupiter Ascending

Director: Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski (The Wachowskis)

Year: 2015

Language: English

Length: 2 hrs 7 mins (127 minutes)

Staring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Tuppence Middleton, Nikki Amuka-Bird, Christina Cole, Douglas Booth.

Review: Okay. Just. Damn. Those visual effects were so seamless and stunning. As a huge fan of Mila Kunis and Eddie Redmayne's acting and Channing Tatum's butt I was so excited for this film and then I found out Sean Bean was in it I just- so brilliant. The trailer was underwhelming and made it look like it was just another Hollywood sham of an attempt at Sci fi but then I found out who it was directed by and instantly needed to see it.

The plot runs a little clunky at points but not in a way that is too distracting or annoying. Every single outfit Mila Kunis wears is absolutely fabulous, especially the Padme-esque wedding outfit, and daaaaaaaamn that girl's waist.

When the whole Sean Bean thing happened I just angrily growled “God damn it, Boromir.” But then the other thing happened and I was happy again.

I don't get the bee thing though. Like, has the Queen of England legit never been stung? Or is just a space queen thing? I just. Why, bees?

And the elephant man driving the spaceship being called Nesh was a nice little homage to the Indian Elephant God was a funny.

I still don't get why the gay brother was trying to marry his own mum, but whatever.

I loved it when she was willing to give up herself and family for the good of the world. Very Star Trek and “the need of the many outweigh the need of the one”. Which is so very unlike these sorts of films and was a very welcome change.

I am always about strong female character leads so give me more.

Overall Rating: 4/5

Ted

Director: Seth McFarlane

Year: 2012

Language: English

Length: 1 hr and 46 mins (106 minutes)

Staring: Seth McFarlane, Mark Wahlberg. Mila Kunis, Joel McHale, Giovanni Ribisi, Patrick Stewart.

Plot:After a very special Christmas wish, John Bennett's teddy bear came to life and Ted has been by his side ever since. A best friendship that is put to the test when Lori, his long-term girlfriend, wants more from their relationship.

Review: Seth McFarlane wrote it, directed it and is staring in it? Jesus, awesome, what could be better? Oh and Mila Kunis, okay I'm listening. Mark Wahlber? Okay. And Parick Stewart is narrating? Oh. Okay, you win. Perfect cast.

Unlike most I've talked to, I went in with high expectations and boy, they were still just blow anyway. It was amazing! Hilarious, beginning to end.

Honestly, watching the trailer, I thought it would just be a long episode of Family guy (which I was still pretty excited for), but it wasn't. It really wasn't. I mean, obviously, it still had the similar style and tropes of anything by Seth McFarlane, the popular media references and celebrity appearances, but done with less class (somehow) and yet, miles better.

I like the fact that throughout the comedy and fun, it never felt like it was “dumbing it down” for the audience. The center relationships, between both Ted and John and Lori and John, were believable. The drama and Disney style ending were very well played out, despite it being a comedy it didn't take a dime away from it.

Quotes: 'Ted & John: Fuck you, Thunder! You can suck my dick!'

'Ted: [dressed in full suit] John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died'

'John: [during flashback] Chris Brown can do no wrong!'

'Southern Newscaster: Look what Jesus did!'

'Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.'

'Lori: There's a shit on the floor! Ted: Or, or, or, maybe, the floor is on the shit.'

'Ted: I look like Snuggles' accountant.'

'Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives you a shit.'

And like everything else said in this movie xD

Overall Rating: 5/5

Hitchcock

Lookit her she looks so perf!

Director: Sacha Gervasi

Year: 2013

Language: English

Length: 1 hr and 38 mins (98 minutes)

Staring: Anthony Hopkins, Helen Mirren, Scarlett Johanson, Jessica Biel, Kurtwood Smith, Michael Stuhlbarg.

Plot: A love story between the influential filmaker Alfred Hitchcock and wife Alma Reville during the filming of Psycho in 1959.

Review: Alma is just so fricking sassy, Helen Mirren plays her so perfectly! She has all the right amounts of strength in her wisdom and emotional fragility. Though, they did a fantastic job on the makeup to make Hopkins look like Hitchcock, his superb acting made up for what they couldn't do and it was hella uncanny. Even ScarJo and JessyB did really good jobs at being under the thumb of society and perved upon, yet were so strong as individuals. They did their real life counterparts perfect justice.

I love how the film was shot in a very Hitchcockian way, with Hitchcock's usual directorial traits. It includes his McGuffin, Stain and Guilty Object with the script we never get to know about and his themes of betrayal, guilt, voyeurism, perversion and suspense. The use of the famous peep hole from Psycho for Hitchock to spy on his actress' while they change and gossip. As well as the whole thing with Alma and that dude writing a script and you're lead on to believe they're actually in a triste,

The addition of Hitchcock talking to Norman Bates was unnecessary, though. It took away from the genius of him and the edge of the film and made it too mundane, took its edge off and made it feel much more.. flat. It took Hitchcock's genius and gave him an excuse.

Quotes: 'Hitchcock: You may call me Hitch. Hold the cock.'

'Alma: 'It was the knife that a moment cut off her scream and her head.' Charming. Dorris Day should do it as a musical.'

'Alma Full support?! We've mortgaged our house! I'm your wife! I celebrate with you when the reviews are good, I cry for you when they are bad! I put up with all those people, who look through me as if I were invisible, because all they see is the great and glorious Alfred Hitchcock.'

Overall Rating: 4/5

The Host

Director: Andrew Niccol

Year: 2013

Language: English

Length: 2 hrs 5 mins (125 minutes)

Staring: Saoirse Ronan, Max Irons, Jake Abel, Diane Kruger, Chandler, Canterbury.

Plot: An alien race invade the earth and are set on “cleaning it up” by overtaking the bodies of the inhabiting humans and taking over their bodies. They are clean, polite, friendly and are fixing the eco systems. However, one human, Melanie (Ronan), starts rebelling against the alien in her brain and forces her to the secret Rebel base and asks them to help her.

Review: Well, that was a film. Um. And that was writing by the chick that wrote Twilight, Stephanie Meyer? Shit.

I- I hate to say it, but I really enjoyed it, like, genuinely enjoyed myself. Honestly, I went in expecting, well, Twilight, and what I got was so far from it. Except the love triangle thing. She really likes those, doesn't she. But, I swear all teenage books have love triangles in them... Although I guess this is more like a love square, just two people are in one chick.

To be fair, Niccol is a obviously a very competent director and Saoirse Ronan is such a good actor, I feel, even a Meyer book (in the hands of a good writer – Niccol) can be turned into a viable film. Hell, even enjoyable.

Melanie is actually full of sass, she's funny, she's a real and strong character that can stand on her own. She handles playing two characters well, the confused and charmingly cute Wanda as well as the complainy, normal teen, boyfriend wielding and brother bothering Malanie.

Despite being an, admittedly, half decent film it has its flaws. Melanie's quick wit and sass occasionally just turned whiny. Some jokes just fall flat. The whole film is very... tween drama, but it is enjoyable enough.

Quotes: 'Wanda: Kiss me like you want to get slapped.'

'Jared: It isn't human! Ian: So we stop acting human?'

'Ian: What's it like for you and her, living in there together? Melanie: It's... crowded.'

Overall Rating: 3.5/5

Trance

Director: Danny Boyle

Year: 2013

Language: English

Length: 1 hr and 41 (101 minutes)

Staring: James McAvoy, Rosario Dawson, Vincent Cassel

Plot: An art auctioneer, Simon (McAvoy), becomes involved in the theft of a painting from his own auction house. His colleague Franck (Cassel) confronts him at gunpoint and takes the painting from him. When Franck discovers the frame is empty, he kidnaps and tortures the answer out of Simon, but Simon has no memory of where he's hidden the painting. Franck takes Simon to a hypnotherapist to get him to remember. More than just the Paintings whereabouts is hidden in the depths of Simon's mind, a lot more than they bargained for.

Review: Well. That was a whole lot of vagina for one film. Just.. a whole lot. I mean. Whoa. I own one of those and I haven't seen it as often as I've now seen hers. It didn't even seem to actually progress any plot. She was just naked a lot and there was a lot of sex and I just... I don't know why. I'm not a prudish person, but I was hella uncomfortable. I went to see the film with my dad.

I mean, we finally have a female character that is like I'm so strong and confident I'mma sleep with everybody look at my booty. I can control all the men and the situations I want, bam bam. And then they're like, lets make her super feeble because lol. Uuuughhh.

Other than that, it was a good idea and full of good actors, and some beautiful sets. Her flat and Francks place? So perfect. Her office and any scene within were works of magic. The scenery, the transitions and the idea of actually being in someones mind and them physically opening a box, sheer brilliance. Some of the framing shots where just outstanding and genius, the cuts to him taping on glass? So well done.

Also, how cool was it when you saw half that guys head. So awesome. 

It was just done badly. I saw where they were trying to go and I was so excited for this film as soon as I saw the trailer, but I was just so let down. I think that, maybe, with tighter editing and perhaps a better screenplay, this film really could have been an amazing feat. Oh well.

Quotes: 'Elizabeth: We keep secrets from lots of people, including our self – and that, we call forgetting.'

'Simon: No piece of art is worth a human life.'

'Elizabeth: To be yourself, you have to constantly remember yourself.'

'Simon: I was really good, but not good enough – and not good enough, really isn't very good.'

Overall Rating: 2/5

Welcome To The Punch

Director: Eran Creevy

Year: 2013

Language: English

Length: 1 hr and 39 mins (99 minutes)

Staring: James McAvoy, Mark Strong, Johnny Harris, David Morrissey, Daniel Kaluuya, Andrea Riseborough, Elyes Gabel.

Plot: Ex-criminal Jacob Sternwood is forced to return to London after his son gets involved in a heist-gone-wrong and winds up dead. He teams up with detective Max Lewinsky to find the people responsible and bring them to justice. But, what they find turns out to be a little over there heads and they get more than they bargained for.

Review: I have gone into this film without any actual prior knowledge... Again. Oh, except James Macavoy's in it (whom I'm saw in Macbeth on 21-3 and is beautiful , so...) and Mark Strong who is soooo badass in everything ever so I was expecting it to be good no matter... I wasn't disappointed, as such, but it wasn't at all as good as I was hoping for.

Don't get me wrong, the action scenes are exciting and fun and so well executed, they really are. They pick the film up and kick it all up a hole notch, each and every time. It's just the rest of it thats... meh. The story line is thin, sloppy, weak and soooo slow. Though, how sexy is James when he smokes? Damn.

There is a point towards the end,probably just beyond the halfway point – when Jacob saves Max, or maybe just after that actually, after the hospital? Is it bad I don't remember? - when even the storyline picks up its slack a little and catches up. Maybe it's because the film actually loses a good majority of its initial dramatised story line and just goes for the intense action sequences and play around with small sessions of back and forth and setup? Who knows, either way, it gets better.

Oh, and, as ever Mark is a terrific villain! And that bit with the grandma was hilarious and very clever. Also, they whole frienemies dynamic was so funny and cute!

Quotes: … Yeah... it's not really what I'd call a quotable film.

Overall Rating: 3/5

Identity Theif

Director: Seth Gordon

Year: 2013

Language: English

Length: 1 hr and 51 mins (111 minutes)

Staring: Jason Bateman, Melissa McCarthy, John Cho, Robert Patrick, T.I., Amanda Peet, Jon Favreau, Genesis Rodriguez, Morris Chestnut.

Plot: Mild-mannered businessman Sandy Patterson travels from Denver to Miami to confront the deceptively harmless-looking woman who has been living it up after stealing Sandy's identity.

Review: Went in with expectations held probably a tad too high... And was a little let down. But I hearts Jason in everything ever, he's just so fucking sweet! And Melissa, I have genuinely loved since she was in Gilmore Girls. Also, both their interviews on the Daily Show were aaaawesooome! So effing funny XD Seeiously though, Jason is too cute! #BlameBateman

I really love these outlandish, laugh-out-loud funny kind of films. The humour isn't too unexpected, nothing that really jumps out and takes you by surprise, but is safe and just... fun. Which, these days, is something we don't get. It's been too much of this 'Hangover' type films that are constantly trying to out do eachother and be more outrageous than the last. It's getting reeeeeeal old guys.

Unless, you're expecting any kind of plot that stands or a directorial phenomenon, then it probably it isn't a film for you. If you're just expecting a feel good film that is funny most of the time, slightly awkward and dull in others, then this is for you!

I'm aware this post is somewhat schizophrenic but what I'm saaaaying is, it isn't top notch, but it is so worth while! It is funny! Go, go see it! :D

Quotes: 'Dianna: What are you, a Kenyan?'

'Sandy: She's like a hobbit... I'm going after Bilbo.'

Overall Rating: 4/5

Parental Guidance

Director: Andy Fickman

Year: 2012

Language: English

Length: 1 hr and 45 mins(105 minutes)

Staring: Billy Crystal, Bette Midler, Marisa Tomei, Tom Everett Scott, Bailee Madison, Joshua Rush, Kyle Harrison Breitkopf.

Plot: Grandparents Artie and Diane agree to look after the three grandkids when the parents need to leave town for work. Problems arise when mum decides she's not quite ready to leave and the kids' different upbringing collides with grandpa's old-school methods.

Review: Worst. Film. Ever. Oh my Gandhi it was bad. It was so very... American, and in a very, very bad way. If you're an American 12 year old that's watching it because female Max from Wizards of Waverly place is in it, then go for it! It is so for you! Any body else, with any taste, avoid it like fire. Unless you like fire, then avoid it like... baths or something.

It was typical and predictable and dull. Which suuuuucks because I adore Billy Crystal and Bette Midler is, and always has been, one of my idols. But, yeah. Sucks. Don't watch it.

Quotes: Billy is pretty funny, but, generally speaking its poop.

Overall Rating: 1/5